put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
