i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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