I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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