My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
