Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
