At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
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I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
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this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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