i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
