wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
