My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
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You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I wear drunk well.
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