God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
