he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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