The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Randomize
