Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
