I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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