at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
