Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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