then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
