I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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