I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
