I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
