After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
