I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
if only i could text you this smell
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
