I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize