how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Randomize
