This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
