I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
