u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
