My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
