So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
we're so committed to being not committed
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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