If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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