Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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