i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
