so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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