Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
