i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
