Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Found your dick twin last night
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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