do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
