The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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