remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
40s are totally the cure
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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