Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
How's work?
Spinning.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
