OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Randomize
