I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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