You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
