Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
