Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
