all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
