Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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