Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
