This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
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Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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