i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
