oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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