Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
