In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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