just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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