she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
