Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
