i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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