dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
