we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
