I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
