just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
